15 yrs is a long time

I've been trying to write this post for the last several days, but I just can't seem to voice what I feel in my heart. Maybe I'll make it through this time.

August 30, 1993 was the day that my life took a very unexpected and heartbreaking turn. For you see, my son Christian was stillborn on August 30, 1993. I never got to hear him cry, say mama or make a boo-boo better w/the magical kiss of a mommy. I never got to watch him run around the bases while playing t-ball, learn to ride a bike or go off to his 1st day of school.

OK, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Even though 15 yrs is a long time, 15 yrs doesn't erase the fact that I don't have my son here w/me today. 15 yrs doesn't erase the memory of that horrible night when I shut off a part of my heart b/c it hurt too much. 15 yrs doesn't stop the tears from falling fresh. 15 yrs can't erase the feeling of his tiny 14 oz, 11 in. body in my arms. 15 yrs can't erase the memory of picking out a tiny casket and headstone for my precious little boy. 15 yrs doesn't erase the smell of the fresh dirt at his grave site. 15 yrs doesn't erase the pain.

15 yrs ago feels like it was yesterday.

Watch out world!!!

Look at these sweet baby boys! This is Eli and Luke the day after Luke was born...Eli was 6 months old and had just gotten his first tooth. Oh, they're so little and angelic!
BUT

that

was

FOUR

years

ago!


Here they are today...

making faces,

checking out some rockin' ViewMaster slides,

and being the goofy, best buddies they are!

Eli and Luke, you were born to be best buddies! You're still so sweet and angelic...just w/a little more volume, dirt and orneriness than on the day you first met. I love you both!!

I need thee...

I have been reminded today just how much I need God. I don't just need Him when things aren't going the way I want them to be. I need Him every hour of every day. I've had the chours of an old hymn in my head all day and have been randomly bustin' it out...don't you wish you could hear me?! ;)

Here are the words to this amazing old hymn: (the part in red is what I've been singing all day)

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, O I need Thee; Every hour I need Thee;O bless me now, my Savior,I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee, O I need Thee; Every hour I need Thee; O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

I need Thee, O I need Thee; Every hour I need Thee; O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee, O I need Thee; Every hour I need Thee; O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessèd Son.

I need Thee, O I need Thee; Every hour I need Thee; O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.

Here's a cool video from you tube of Selah singing I Need Thee Every hour and Through It All :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2ULhi1szjk

We are in a place in our life right now where so many things are up in the air or just plain new...selling our house, finding a new home, Rich's job situation, homeschool, etc. I like to know what's going to happen w/everything and right now, I know nothing! It scares the poo out of me and I don't always handle that so well.

I've just got to remember that my God has a plan for us. He has a perfect plan! Why is that so hard for me to grasp? He doesn't need my help figuring out what will be best for my family. I'd like to help! ;)

I'll leave you tonight w/my, silent to you but very audible to my God, version:
I need Thee, O I need Thee. Every hour I need Thee. O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee.

Come on buyers!

Our house has been on the market since last Tuesday and several people have come to look at it. A couple "nosey-neighbors"(how funny is that?!) came through on the open house night, but that's ok...maybe they know someone who wants to buy our house! ;) There are 2 more showings scheduled for tomorrow...WHOO-HOOO!

Now, when you view the pictures of the various rooms of our home, please don't come try to rub on me hoping that my "Martha Stewartishness" will rub off on you! And in answer to all your questions about how this amazing woman can keep her house so clean w/a little cyclone like Eli living beneath its roof...welp, poor Eli is learning how to survive on very few toys! The majority of his and Emma's toys are in storage. Every time they walk out of a room whether it's the bathroom or their bedroom, I ask them if that room is ready for someone to come look at it. Poor kids!

So, without further ado...here's our home:

There you have it! Who wouldn't want to buy our home? Please be praying that someone will buy it quickly!

You have got to be kidding me.

Seriously! If I believed in luck, I'd think that I had lost my "fuzzy purple rabbits foot on a chain". If I believed in karma, I'd think that I'd done some pretty rotten stuff. If I believed in "the gods of the universe", I'd think that I had royally pissed "them" off! But I don't believe in any of those things...I believe in a God who loves me, wants what's best for me and uses life to teach me how to be more dependant upon Him. So, what was He trying to teach me today? I don't have a clue...maybe someday I will.

I got an email from paypal informing me that my account is currently inaccessible b/c they believe it may have been accessed by a third party. Accessed by a third party it has been! Someone or 3 someones has/have gotten access to my paypal account and 3 different transactions have been made. The first one is for $350, the 2nd one is for $600 and the 3rd one is for $1200. A whopping total of $2,150!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?!?! All 3 transactions are on "hold" w/paypal and in pending status on my bank account. When I realized all this, my heart literally stopped beating for a few seconds. I quickly called Rich...as if he could stop $2,150 worth of unauthorized paypal transactions from being withdrawn from my account. Then, I tried to call my bank. Of course, it was after 4pm and no one was around to answer the stinkin' phone. While trying to get through to my bank, I was on the paypal website trying to get a dispute filed. What a stinkin' mess!!

I did find the "names" and email address to where my $$$ was being sent. I googled one of the names and found a teen aged kid from California. After trying to find his picture on his high school's website, I decided I'd better quit looking before I did something crazy...like buying a plane ticket, flying to CA, hunting some stupid kid down and then kicking his stupid butt. I didn't think "Crazy middle-aged woman from Kansas sends California teenager to hospital with life-threatening injuries over unauthorized paypal transaction" would look good on my resume.

It just sorta feels like if something unbelievable is going to happen to somebody, it's going to happen to me. I guess I shouldn't complain too much...I haven't had to flee from my home in my nightgown while my 16 month old twins were napping due to a BAT flying around my kitchen like my dear friend Courtney has. Now that's some bad luck! Sorry Court, I just couldn't resist! ;)