13 February, 2009

{in a funk}

Have you ever found yourself to be stuck in a funk? That's where I'm at now and have been for a little while now. I can't really describe what I'm feeling...I'm just in a funk. Nothing bad has happened. Nothing major is stressin' me out. I'm just in a funk. Seriously, now that I've said "I'm just in a funk" so many times, I think funk sounds like it's not even really a word!

Anyway, I'm pretty sure what has me in this funk, but there is literally nothing I can do about it. It is absolutely something that only God can change. I'm really trying to be patient and trust and believe that God knows this deepest of my hearts desires. But I'm tellin' ya...patience has never been one of my strong suits.

Here's the deal: I grew up in a picturesque little town of roughly 400 people. My friends and I rode our bikes all over town, walked to the park or the tiny grocery store(which my parents owned for a few years), played on the school playground and were able to just be kids. The town, at the time, was 4 streets wide and 6 streets long...a few years after my parents moved away a new street was added, making it 5 streets wide. Really!

I remember leaving the house on sunny summer mornings with instructions to be home when the street lights came on. If my friends and I were playing at the park and doing something we shouldn't be doing, the "mean" old lady across the street would yell at us by name to quit foolin' around before we got hurt...she'd even call our parents if she felt so inclined. In probably 4th grade, Crystal, Brenda and I started a sticker club. We met every week at Brenda's to show off our newest Lisa Frank stickers that we all kept in super cool sticker albums and we even paid dues. Does that happen anymore?

I went to elementary school and jr high with pretty much the same 5 or 6 kids. Then I went to a high school that merged 4 surrounding towns and there were 33 in my sr class. Everyone knew everything about everyone and it just worked...for the most part. Of course growing up in that tiny town, I complained that there was nothing to do...we couldn't go to the movies often, or the mall b/c the "city" was a whole 20 minutes away.

But now. Now that I'm a mom and am raising kids of my own...my heart longs to be back in that perfect little town. My heart breaks that my kids don't know what it's like to have a yard to play in. My kids have a 15x20 plot of 1/2 grass and 1/2 cement for a back yard. My kids can't play in the front yard because we live on a busy street in a not-so-great part of town and I can't always be outside to watch them. So, they're confined to their cement playground surrounded by a 6ft high privacy fence. My kids can't spend a day exploring the world around them because God only knows what sorts of things they'd dig up in the empty lot next to us. My kids have been jolted awake at night by the sound of gunshots in our surrounding neighborhood. My kids have had their home invaded while they slept in their beds 2 stories up. My kids deserve better.

So you see, my Mommy heart is very discontent. I'm praying that God will move us to a place with wide open spaces. I'm praying that I can be content in the waiting.

Apparently, I could describe what I'm feeling!


Miss(es) Canadian Pie said...

Ah friend, as I read your post I sat here remembering my own days of Lisa Frank stickers and clubs that I was always starting involving dues. I don't know what it is like to be a mom and have kids that you feel you aren't giving them the best of what you know is out there. I can't imagine having to hear gunshots or having my home broken into. Those things, no one should have to deal with. My heart goes out to you my friend. But as I was reading your post, your music came on and all I could hear was "you are my reward, worth living for. Still more awesome than I know...And all I have in you is more than enough." My friend, please don't despair at going through a funk. Sometimes I think that funks happen so that we can realize where we need to tighten up in our lives. By that I mean maybe we need to press into Him more, or get some better or more rest, eating things that are nourishing our bodies, to take a walk and drink in the beauty of God's creation, to sit with a friend over a coffee and just let it all out. I don't know friend. But I know funks stink. But I also know that they are a learning time. And maybe all you need to learn is that there are people who care about your every need and hurt and mood and everything. And I'm one of them. I'll be praying for you my dear distant friend. Remember, he is more than enough. More than we can ever hope or imagine and in his due time, he will move you to that place that where he has a great home waiting for your lovely family. And in the meantime, I'll be praying for that day. You are in my prayers my friend.

Candy Graber said...

My sweet friend, I am praying for you! Today when you called me to ask how I was, I didn't do the same, I am sorry for that, please know that you are so special to me and I will be lifting you up tonight in my prayers. I love you girl!

adds said...

LoL, Tonya, I read this to Ray, asking him who the mean old lady was. He said 'Humm,I would have to ask her, but when she told me I would remember!' Girl, I think we all want to go back to those days. When,(and no I didn't live where you did) but very close, and I had the same rules, when it got dark out, come home.When we were little that was normal, you don't see parents doing that as often. I know I would never do that, #1 we don't live where we used to, but #2 when we did,(last year) I still wouldn't let the boys go out without me. There are so many freaks out there,you do not know what could happen. Scary thing! They just found a little girl down the road outside alone, all she had on was a diaper, @ 7am. Took 2 hours to find out where she lived, when they did find out the mom was at work, and the dad was sleeping...amazing, what some parents do....anyways talk to ya later girl.

Lynn said...

I was just thinking today about how we'd get on our bikes and ride everywhere until dark... No way my kids are doing that now! =)

Sometimes it's hard to wait - I've been there for sure! I always remind myself to embrace what God has for me now so that I don't miss what He may be trying to do in my life. But, while you're in the 'funk', you may want to milk it with hubby and get some extra pampering :)

And, ok - but no clue who Lisa Frank is, but I had an awesome scratch and sniff sticker album until a girl down the road stole it from me... and yeah, there's still a little bitterness there - it was awesome!

LauraB said...

Tonya, I'm praying for you. I understand completely. This is something I have prayed about as well living in this big old city that we are in. It appears that God is moving us back to Waynesville, clean air, clean water and only 3500 people. Things are much simpler there, and I am praying that will be better for our children. Again I will pray for you and your family. :)