31 August, 2008

15 yrs is a long time

I've been trying to write this post for the last several days, but I just can't seem to voice what I feel in my heart. Maybe I'll make it through this time.

August 30, 1993 was the day that my life took a very unexpected and heartbreaking turn. For you see, my son Christian was stillborn on August 30, 1993. I never got to hear him cry, say mama or make a boo-boo better w/the magical kiss of a mommy. I never got to watch him run around the bases while playing t-ball, learn to ride a bike or go off to his 1st day of school.

OK, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Even though 15 yrs is a long time, 15 yrs doesn't erase the fact that I don't have my son here w/me today. 15 yrs doesn't erase the memory of that horrible night when I shut off a part of my heart b/c it hurt too much. 15 yrs doesn't stop the tears from falling fresh. 15 yrs can't erase the feeling of his tiny 14 oz, 11 in. body in my arms. 15 yrs can't erase the memory of picking out a tiny casket and headstone for my precious little boy. 15 yrs doesn't erase the smell of the fresh dirt at his grave site. 15 yrs doesn't erase the pain.

15 yrs ago feels like it was yesterday.


tuffy said...

praying for you, tonya.

much love,


adds said...

girl, seems like i've known ya forever! But I didn't know that! love ya girl! Wish I could say that it would get better..but I honestly can't. We are praying for ya...Adds and the boys

cfranklin said...

My precious friend...
I know what a loss you bear. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Someday we will all watch Christian play t-ball. Until then...I am here for you always.

Jeano said...

I just love you. Nothing else I can say will make it better. But I am sure sorry you missed all these things with Christian.
You sweet thing.

Anonymous said...

I am lurking on your blog but your post touched my heart. I can't even imagine that time in your life.
Hugs coming your way.

Miss(es) Canadian Pie said...

Wow, Tonya. Thank you for having the courage to post such a deep, painful part of you. I can't even imagine the pain that you bear. I know it is now a few days later since you posted, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong girl.

Aimee said...

Tonya - I'm so sorry and as a mother, my heart breaks with you...but, (we do have a God of "buts") your sweet Christian has been spending these long 15 years in the awesome presence of our God. While that doesn't fill your arms with your precious baby, I hope that the thought and the belief warms your heart ever so slightly. Always my best and my prayers to you!

Nicole said...

I can't even begin to image how hard that must have been and I'm sure still is. I have a saying I love, Families are Forever, I belive stronly that you will have a chance to see you sweet little boy again. Thanks for sharing this part of yourself, you will be in my prayers.

Miss(es) Canadian Pie said...

Hi Tonya, just thinking of you today and praying that you are doing well.